Coffee Cup Chats: Redefining Motherhood-Foster Moms

There are people in my life who strike me as quite selfless. I have friends who fall under this category, and Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with those from the past, and witness just how they are giving back to our community with their love, their time, and in Sarah Breen’s case, her home. Have some tissues ready, because Sarah’s story of love and loss is nothing short of inspirational.

Sarah Breen was a high school classmate of mine, and we have reconnected thanks to the good old internet. I could always count on Sarah for a loving smile and a fun conversation when we were teens, and I am just awestruck by the kind of good she puts out in this world. When it comes to motherhood, she redefines the word. Sarah Breen is a biological mother, a step-mother, and a foster mother. And she’s doing this all on her own, with faith by her side.

Sarah moved around a lot when she was younger, but I was first introduced to her when she moved to my hometown during our junior year of high school. After graduating, she married and settled down in the Midwest. Some time passed and Sarah found herself divorced from her husband with an amazing daughter to show for it. Sarah looked for a fresh start and began some soul searching. While single, Sarah found herself looking towards the future, and her sense of compassion and her devotion to being a mom were desires she could not disregard. She explained, “Dating was frustrating – I was looking for forever and wasn’t willing to settle.  I’ve always had what I believe was a God-given desire deep in my heart to be a mother, and I wanted a big family.  So, I decided that with or without a man, I wanted to be a mom to more children.” This feeling propelled her into fostering.

Sarah says that committing to fostering was not an easy decision for her. She knew she’d have to give some of her foster kids up when they were ready to go, but she also felt that this could be an important way to give other children a peaceful and loving place to live. “My heart started to change and I started wrapping my head around the idea of becoming a foster mom – welcoming kids into my home that may stay for a while or possibly forever…if I could love them and be a blessing to them, it would be worth it.” She began the process of being certified.

It was during the certification process that Sarah met the love of her life. They clicked instantly and their families immediately meshed together – Sarah and her daughter and Chris and his two daughters. It felt natural. Her future husband was incredibly supportive of her decision to become a foster parent. Sarah explains, “By the time I finally became certified, we were engaged to be married and immediately began the process to certify him, as well.  It was during this time that I got my first placement – a sibling set, boy and girl.  Baby boy was six weeks old and his sister turned one three days after they came to us.  It was hard, especially because baby girl had some major trauma and separation issues, but man we loved those babies. I found myself trying to help all of our girls adjust to a new family dynamic. It was a crazy time, but honestly, it was one of the best of my life so far. Those babies were eventually moved, but ultimately ended up finding a loving family for adoption.” Things were starting to fall into place for Sarah and her family, but life does throw us curve balls. And her curve ball was nothing short of devastating.

Sarah and Chris were married in November. It was a short 31 days later when Chris passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep. Despite Sarah’s attempts to save him, and the hospital’s attempts after that, she lost Chris just nine days before Christmas. “I spent the next six months in a total fog just trying to function and take care of our girls.  I’m still grieving the loss, I probably always will, but I truly believe that as hard as it has been, it was God’s orchestration to bring us together.  My girls and I – all three of them, have become so close.  I really am blessed!” Sarah continues to raise the bar in selflessness. To suffer a loss so total, but to be able to remain focused on the bigger plan in all of this is incredible.

As she and her girls attempted to regain a new sense of normalcy, they decided they would once again open their home to children in need. As so many of us parents know, young people have a way of healing our hearts. “About six or so months after Chris passed, the girls and I decided it was time to begin considering foster placements again. We had several opportunities that didn’t quite pan out (as often happens during the placement process) and I just kept praying that God would bring the right child(ren) into our home.” The right placement did indeed come. Sarah and her daughters welcomed two very lucky boys into their loving home. The two boys, brothers now ages 8 and almost 2  have been with Sarah for over a year, and the whole family has welcomed and enjoyed the additions to their family.

Similar to any challenging endeavor in life, there are elements to being a foster parent that are quite difficult. I am a high school teacher, and I teach about three to four foster children a semester. Before speaking with Sarah, I only had a vague understanding of what goes into being a foster parent. She directed me to this article 10 Ways Teachers Can Help Students From Foster Care by John Degarmo that is incredibly beneficial for educators.

Sarah admits that it is not easy. There are so many working parts, and foster parents really do have to be ready for anything. The hardest part is knowing that you may have to give the children up, sometimes sending them back into less than ideal situations. Finding a stable, loving environment for children until they can return to a more permanent household is the ultimate goal.

Sarah’s perspective centers on what is best for the children she is letting into her home. “The way I figure it, if I’m doing it right, it should be hard.  I should love them like they are my own.  And when they are in my home, they are mine.  Of course, not exclusively, but I do my best to treat them like they are mine and love them just as fiercely as I do my girls. And if I get lucky enough to adopt someday, then I gladly will.  And if I have to give them up, then I will.  Then we will grieve the loss and wait for the next phone call.  Because this isn’t about me as much as it is about the kids.  And through the whole messy process, I pray that I am not only ministering to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the children, but that I’m also teaching my daughters to love unconditionally and to look for as many opportunities to give and to love others as possible.” Sarah, and foster parents like her, are redefining parenthood so fully. May we all find a way to love others this fiercely.

Besides the emotional side effects that fostering can create, the day-to-day operational components are challenging as well. Foster parents do receive a stipend for each child based on the child’s age and medical needs. Sarah explains that this, however, never really covers all of the costs for raising children, so the misconception that foster parents make money by having children in their home is typically false.

Sarah explained, “If I’m doing it right, the monthly stipend I receive is gone long before the month is.  Let’s just say that anyone who is making money in the foster care system is not doing it right. Gas, food, diapers, clothes, school supplies, birthdays, extracurricular activities, etc.  It goes fast. In addition, foster parents are required to attend court hearings, team meetings, medical appointments, counseling appointments, and of course, well child check-ups. In order to keep our certification up-to-date, there are also continuing education hours (time spent in various trainings and classes) and home visits. Depending on the child’s circumstance, there could be quite a few difficult meetings with lawyers and judges. And after these meetings, the foster parents have a lot to explain to the children.” The roles of a foster parent change depending on the child’s needs, so flexibility is essential.

There are also visits with biological parents (when appropriate and as ordered by the court).  The foster parent isn’t obligated to communicate and work with the bio parents, but they can.  Regarding her current fostering situation, Sarah said, “I have been lucky enough to have built up a pretty good rapport with the boys’ parents.  My hope would be that if they go home, mom and dad will still communicate with me and allow me to see the boys. And if there is trouble, they may be more apt to reach out to me than someone they don’t trust.” Sarah sees her work as a liaison with the boys’ parents as a ministry of sorts, but there is a lot that goes into preparing the boys to see their parents and debriefing afterwards can be the hardest part. The working parts to fostering are many, and Sarah’s unwavering goodness has opened my eyes to many aspects I had never considered.

The ultimate goal of fostering is to get the kids back with their biological parents, or to get them adopted into a loving and stable environment. A foster parent has the tough job of loving “fiercely” as Sarah puts it, but being able to let go so that the children can get what they need. To have that much emotional control seems very daunting to me, and I am inspired by Sarah’s family’s willingness to do this. Because she has given so selflessly, I asked Sarah if she has gained anything from this experience. “I’ve gained so much that I can’t really begin to describe it all.  I’ve gained a new appreciation for people – there are so many broken people and broken families and children right in our own neighborhoods that just need to be loved.  I can definitely say that my eyes have been opened to the needs around me.  I’ve also gotten to know some really amazing people, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Through this whole experience, God has really opened some doors that I didn’t even see before. My family has grown by four kids and counting, and each of them will always hold a place in my heart regardless of how long they share my home. And I’ve gotten the chance to show my daughters how to love and serve other people.” Sarah explains that “…while this journey is definitely much harder than I ever expected it to be, it’s also much more rewarding than I ever could have imagined.” This is why foster parents do this kind of work. The rewards transcend the difficulties. 

From a distance, I have admired Sarah’s unwavering love of those around her, and after interviewing her, my respect for what she does each day has multiplied. She is an example of constant goodness, and I can only hope to give half as much as she has in this life. The bottom line is that children everywhere need love to grow and become productive adults. Sarah Breen and her family are making this love possible each day. Thank goodness for Sarah and her girls.

Are you interested in opening your home to foster children? If so, here is a link to get you started nationally. It is also beneficial to search locally through your state institutions. Do you know of a great foster parent who you’d like to recognize? Comment, share, or send Tessa an email at tessa@familyfootnote.com.