Battling an Eating Disorder–A Survivor’s Story
As mothers, many of us are expected to be in control of almost everything regarding ourselves and our families: the schedule, the house, the children, the job, but when we struggle personally, our perceived control starts to disappear. This is how Kelli Crump felt in 2013 and 2014 when she was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.
Kelli is a friend of mine, and she has offered to tell her story to help others. After a six-year battle with this disease, Kelli Crump is speaking out about surviving an eating disorder.
Anorexia Nervosa
No two people experience an eating disorder the same. According to the website, National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, “Anorexia is not getting enough calories in, which leads to a significantly low body weight. The person with Anorexia will also show an intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat. While suffering from Anorexia Nervosa, a person also has a hard time recognizing the seriousness of their current weight, or is unable to see how thin or underweight they are.” After interviewing Kelli, I learned that Anorexia is much more than its definition.
Kelli says she has had an unhealthy relationship with food since her early teen years. “My eating disorder tendencies, or disordered eating, go back to when I was in junior high, but my full-blown diagnosed eating disorder didn’t occur until October 2013,” says the 45-year-old. “There are a few different things that I can point to now as triggers. Most of these have surfaced through my many years of therapy.”
Kelli explains that the major trigger for her disease was when she took part in a routine wellness screening required by her school district. “In theory, these screenings sound great, especially for insurance companies. For someone who already has eating disorder tendencies or unhealthy relationships with food, these are NOT good.”
The Power of a Word
Kelli, a former guidance counselor, was incorrectly marked “overweight” by the diagnosticians at the health screening, and the image “overweight” circled on her form still haunts her to this day. “My doctors, dietitians, and therapists for years have said over and over that I was not, nor am I now overweight. It’s only one small part, but I can’t shake it. It’s probably so hard for people to understand that one circle–made in error–can have such an impact, but it did.”
After the screening, Kelli decided to get to work to get healthier. She downloaded apps that helped her track her fitness and her calories. She felt great in the beginning. “It started with some innocent food tracking, then the calorie counting, and the last piece was the exercise. I had never been good at keeping an exercise routine going. I started slow, 30 minutes a day on my treadmill. I felt great at first.” Kelli’s workout regimen began to increase. Instead of 30 minutes a day, she would work out twice a day. Then, the workouts would go for 90 minutes each weekend. She added a Fitbit, calorie tracker, and a food scale. What started as an attempt at getting healthy, spiraled into a new obsession. “If I was going to keep track of all this, I wanted to be accurate, and I was seeing the benefits on the bathroom scale,” explained Kelli.
Concern From Others
It wasn’t until she started hearing from her husband and her friends that Kelli had to admit to herself that she needed help. What she tried to control, was slipping out of control. Due to their concerns, she sought out a medical opinion. “Having to go home and tell my husband that I was diagnosed with Anorexia was hard.”
When the dietitian explained that her health was a concern, she and her family believed there was an easy answer. “At that time our mindset was that I would just start to eat more.” However, like many people who suffer from eating disorders, it wasn’t so simple. “About half of anorexia patients have comorbid anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and social phobia.” Kelli can relate with the obsessive-compulsive behaviors that took over her life, making it difficult to carry on with her normal tasks as a mother and counselor. Knowing that something had to give soon, she decided to try to heal on her own.
Getting Healthy
Kelli’s first attempt at getting healthy was to see a nutritionist. She picked up her flier at a sports facility where her children went. “I was going to see her about just the nutrition side of things, not thinking I had an eating disorder. I first saw her in September of 2014, so almost a year after my eating disorder was full blown.”
When Kelli began treatment, she was still in denial that she had a problem, but she began seeing a list of doctors that make up her treatment team. “My dietitian was first. She took all of my numbers: height, weight, body fat, skin pinches, etc. It was extensive. I had to see my family doctor for my blood work, an EKG, bone density tests. It seemed like a lot, but I was still in denial. It was shortly after these tests that I started seeing my therapist and a psychiatrist for medication. This makes up my treatment team.” 
The team decided that part of Kelli’s disorder centered around her obsession with her numbers. The scale had been a constant in her life and part of her routine. The doctors had her husband get rid of the family’s scale at home, and Kelli felt her control slipping from there. “I was like an addict. I literally begged him to let me keep one and just weigh myself one more time. It was awful. I remember being on the phone crying with my dietitian. It seems like something so trivial to someone else, but this was a big part of my life.”
Kelli’s team soon realized her care needed to go from outpatient treatment to a live-in center. “At this point, I was considered a medical liability for treatment, so they determined I needed a higher level of care, which meant residential treatment. The closest one was in St Louis, Missouri, so that is where I ended up.”
Residential Treatment
She was only expecting to stay for the patient average of 12 weeks, but she ended up staying for six months. “I would have probably been there longer, had we not had a big family event that summer that I worked to get home for. It was very hard being separated from my family. My boys and my husband are everything to me. Not getting to see them was very tough.”
Kelli’s work on herself in the treatment center was intense. “It is so different being tucked away in a facility where all you do is focus on you and what is happening. Every minute of your day is outlined for you. You plan your meals in advance, you attend groups, therapy sessions, and medical appointments all the time. You learn to meditate and do arts and yoga; it’s so different than the real world.”
Lowest Point
She admits that her lowest point came at the treatment facility. “I was automatically on a 72-hour hold. I couldn’t go to the bathroom by myself. I couldn’t flush the toilet before they checked it. Someone would have to be in the bathroom talking to me while I showered. I was not allowed to do any activities. I literally had to sit around. I remember crying as I sat and ate my first few meals there because I had to eat and what I didn’t eat I had to make up for by drinking calories. If I didn’t do this, I’d have to have a feeding tube. Another sad reality was having someone come and wake me up every 30 minutes at night to make sure I was still breathing because my heart rate was so low. Weigh-ins occurred every morning, vitals were taken multiple times a day, and blood work was taken every other day. That was my bottom.”
Her family was her entire focus during treatment. Patients in inpatient care go through steps to work themselves back home. “My goal was to get back home and so that is when I realized I needed to embrace my treatment and focus on being able to step down in levels of care. I started in residential and worked my way to partial hospitalization, where I lived in a house with other women and then spent just a certain number of hours each day in programming. I started to have the freedom of making my own dinner or having breakfast at home.”
The Challenge at Home
Although the center was difficult, coming back home proved to be an even bigger challenge. When Kelli returned home, she experienced a major relapse trying to find her new normal. “I came back ‘weight restored’ and I was so uncomfortable. Everyone kept saying, ‘Give it 6 months. If you can do that it gets easier or so they say.’ I gave it 6 months exactly and was still very unhappy.” 
The Anorexia Nervosa doesn’t only impact a survivor’s weight, it takes a toll in so many other areas. “This disease has certainly impacted myself and my family. My personality was different. I was so focused on my world of food and exercise, and I would get so mad if someone tried to disrupt that. My body and mind were both starving. When your mind is racing you can’t think about anything. I did have to stop working a couple of months into my treatment.”
The threat of being sent back to treatment facilities helped Kelli to focus on a goal to get and stay healthy. “I remember my therapist talked to me at one point and said I should start looking into other treatment facilities. Having to look at facilities and look at where I’d be again kind of scared me straight. I will not go there again.”
On-Going Battle
As Kelli continues her battle, she realizes there are things with which she will always struggle. “They’ve given me suggestions like following a meal plan and journaling. Journaling in general is often very therapeutic for me. Part of my disorder is that my mind is always racing. You never realize how much our lives center around food. Most social gatherings involve food, holidays, celebrations. I have worked to develop some coping skills, sometimes they work and sometimes they are just not effective. But those are things that I continue to work with my therapist on. I hate having to rely on medication. It’s unbelievable the amount of medication I take, but that is what it takes for me to be able to function in the normal day.”
Kelli admits that it takes a team to help someone struggling like she is to regain control. “There are several different resources if you are concerned you may be suffering from an eating disorder, or if someone you know is suffering.” She lists NEDA (Nebraska Eating Disorder Association) as a great resource but cautions against trying to figure this out on your own. “I would not try to self-diagnose this. Every eating disorder can look a little different. I work with an internal medicine physician who does a lot of work with eating disorder patients. Eating disorders are a mental disease, so therapy is a big part. This is a multifaceted disease, which is why you really need a team working with you to cover all aspects.”
It Was Time
Kelli is a wonderful mother, colleague, and friend. As a survivor, she feels it is important to speak out against the stigma of eating disorders. I asked her the question, “Why now?” in terms of sharing her story.
I am in a different place and in a different mindset now. I am learning to accept that I have a disease, learning to accept myself and really finding my true self. The stigma around mental illness and eating disorders is awful. I have lost a couple of friends to this horrific disease. I felt like I am at a point in my treatment where I am ready to open. I’m tired of trying to be something or someone I am not. Eating disorders can affect anyone, and I feel like I am an example of that. Having to watch my own child struggle with some of the same issues that I struggle with made me want to be more transparent with people. I don’t want my son to feel like it is something that should be stuffed in the closet and kept hidden. This is real life. I am continuing to fight and I want to encourage others to do the same. I know this will be something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I want to show my son and others that it is a battle worth continuing to fight.”
Resources
If you or someone you know is struggling, here are some resources to help when figuring out the next course of action.
Nebraska Eating Disorder Association
Have you ever struggled with disordered eating or supported someone who has? We’d love to hear from you. Each story of survival is empowering. We at Family Footnote thank Kelli and her family for speaking out and giving a voice to the many survivors of anorexia.