For the Parents of an Incoming College Freshmen
Watching one’s child leave the nest can be a difficult and enlightening experience, especially during this era of helicopter parenting. Moms and dads of high school graduates have had years of permission slips, bedtimes, curfews, and parent-teacher conferences which makes letting go hard. Many parents focus on getting their child ready to go off to college and do not take the time to consider how they will handle the process of relinquishing control. It is difficult to stop checking up on one’s kid, specifically when it comes to academics and living away from the family’s home. However, continued over-parenting is detrimental to an incoming college student who must now be independent and self-sufficient.
According to Amy Joyce in the The Washington Post, “The kids who have been raised by parents who watched their every move, checked their grades online hourly, advocated for them endlessly and kept them busy from event to activity to play date are tucked away in college. But that doesn’t mean their parents have let go. They make themselves known to schools, professors, counselors and advisers. And yes, college presidents.” The incessant need for a parent to be a fixer in his child’s life can lead to harsh consequences and negative outcomes during the transition to college.
Joyce further stated, “But saying goodbyes at the dorm and then giving that little bird a push is what will help him or her succeed. That doesn’t mean letting go or not being involved anymore. But hovering and intervening too often doesn’t do students any favors.” Therefore with moving weekend on the horizon, it is important for parents to keep a figurative (and maybe even literal) arm’s length of space away from their child as she navigates the experience of higher education
Let Your Child Be Their Own Advocate
It is okay to offer a listening ear and crying shoulder, but it is also important to encourage a son to find his own help on campus. If a person’s child is struggling in a class, tell her to talk to the professor, seek out a tutor, or join a study group. Professors and teaching aides keep office hours for a reason and they respect the students that take the time to get help or voice concerns. Melanie Schopp, an adjunct professor at Southern New Hampshire University, offered this advice, “Teach your son or daughter to be an advocate for themselves. Teach them it is okay to ask for help. We want students to use their resources and when they don’t they struggle. Each college and university has SO many options for students and they are usually free (ie: writing center, career center, tutoring, etc). If you know they struggle in a certain area, try to line up the service or do a meet and greet right away so the student will use it.”
Discuss Expectations
Parents expect a lot from their children, and when it comes to college those expectations should be discussed openly and often. This is especially true if parents are giving financial support to their college 18-year-old. Mothers and fathers should be clear with their child regarding what type of information she should share with them in terms of: tuition, grades, coursework, studies, etc. “The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) (20 U.S.C. § 1232g; 34 CFR Part 99) is a Federal law that protects the privacy of student education records. The law applies to all schools that receive funds under an applicable program of the U.S. Department of Education. FERPA gives parents certain rights with respect to their children’s education records. These rights transfer to the student when he or she reaches the age of 18 or attends a school beyond the high school level.”
Therefore, it is typically up to a student to disclose college record information, no matter who is footing the schooling bill. Moms and dads should be sure to understand this and not get upset when they try contacting an administration office to gain intel on their kids who may or may not be skipping classes throughout the semester.
Set Your Own Parental Boundaries
College is a new world and let your kids face it on their own. Parents that check a son’s email or online course information in order to be helpful, are actually hurting their child and negating the fact that he needs to be independent and handle issues on his own. Schopp explained how over involved parents are a problem on the college scene, “Don’t ever log-in as your child in their online classroom and post an assignment, discussion, etc. Faculty can tell and it can put both you and your child in trouble. This also includes writing a paper for them, or taking online tests. Please don’t be the parent who calls when your son or daughter doesn’t get the grade they thought they should have on an assignment, exam, etc. If your child is frustrated, have them talk to the faculty member, then involve an adviser, then see if anything else needs to happen. There is always a reason the grade was given.”
Parents must let children solve their own classroom battles in college, as well as squabbles that involve roommates. Dormitories make for close quarters and no one gets along all of the time, however having mommy and daddy contact the university because their daughter does not like her roommate is a waste of everyone’s time. Resident assistants are on-site to handle roommate issues and college students should learn to be responsible for their own problems when it comes to living space and cohabitation.
Encouragement & Support
No matter the age of the child, something that never changes is the support parents can and should offer their kids, especially during the college years. Be it choosing a major or making friends on campus, parents can always help by offering a listening ear. However, one should be mindful about keeping personal opinions to themselves and letting their child follow his own educational path.
The degree a child pursues has to be in a field of study that she admires. It cannot be something that has been pre-determined by a parent. Forcing someone to follow a curriculum path they do not like will only end in financial waste and lost time. “If a student is not passionate about the subject, they often don’t attend class, turn in work that correlates to their best abilities, and/or finish their degree,” stated Schopp who has seen students enroll in as many as seven different schools in order to try and please their parents in a major that held no interest for them.
It is important to take heart in knowing that one’s child is ready for college, and it is equally important for a parent to be ready to let their high school graduate go to college and be the best version of themselves. So pack a handkerchief, park the helicopter, and feel good in knowing that you got your kid this far in life.
*If your child is not yet old enough to be leaving the nest, check out this past article by me about what school teachers want parents to know.