Raising Good Sons–Empathy, Consent, and More

I remember driving down the road when my kids were very young, and hearing my sons giggle from the back seat. When I asked them what they were talking about, they just looked at each other and laughed harder.

My youngest said, “Nothing mom. You wouldn’t understand.”

My oldest said, “Yeah. Just something we were talking about before we went to sleep last night.”

I smiled and kept driving, choosing not to bother them with the details. It was a sweet inside joke between boys who shared parents, a sister, and a room. I loved that they had their own moment.

I am the lucky mother of two boys and a girl. The mixture of genders gives me great insight as a parent, but I’d like to think my kids are lucky to grow up around each other. They are sweet, ornery, and incredibly intelligent individuals, and I try to repeat daily how lucky I am to be their tour guide of the world. 

However, I worry about them and I worry about how I’m raising them. The questions I have about my parenting choices  keep me up at night, and I know I’m not alone. When it comes to raising good boys into good men, I want four things from them.

Strong and Responsible

It may be cliche to desire my boys to be strong and responsible, but I mean this physically and mentally. I ask them to exercise their minds as well as their bodies. I don’t want my boys to feel limited and I hope they understand how much good comes from having inner and outer strength. While they are younger, I want them to take accountability for their actions and responsibility for their words. By being men who can stand behind their behavior and words, they will be trusted in life, and society will be able to count on them to be leaders. The kindness they show others, their ability to work hard for things they want, and the responsibility they feel to their friends and family make me think they’ve got a good start.

Show Emotion

When I had my daughter, I was able to really gain insight on the different expectations of boys and girls. While many kindly complimented my daughter’s appearance when she was an infant and toddler, I remember that my boys received comments about how strong their tiny baby fists gripped or how big they were. All comments were sweet, but there was a difference. That is not where the differences stopped. While my daughter’s tears can weaken the toughest individuals, the tears of my sons aren’t as accepted by society. While one of my sons shows almost zero emotions, the other lets all emotions fly with abandon. I hope for both of them to find a happy medium, where they are allowed to feel the spectrum of emotions as men. I think emotional freedom is something that is lacking in the expectations of boys in our society. 

Understand Consent

As they age, I want my boys to understand the responsibility they have to respect consent. I read an article about this recently and it helped me to identify how to discuss consent at different ages. According to Parents Magazine, they recommend to, “Teach your children to respect the power of the word “no,” that when someone tells them to stop doing something, they need to immediately cease their behavior. Encourage them to say no, as well, and continue saying it, loud and clear.” When children reach upper middle school and high school, experts recommend to discuss consent by using examples from media and scenarios in real life. Kids have access to so many resources about sex via smartphones, tablets, their peers, the Internet, etc, and what they are fed each day by the media is problematic. Instead of focusing on what men can do to avoid a sexual assault situation, many focus on what the woman can do differently regarding appearance, behavior, and choices. As a mother of future men, I have a responsibility to teach them what it means to hear a “yes” and to fully understand consent. Not teaching them this seems irresponsible to me.

Turn to Family

My boys can fight like nobody’s business, especially lately. It worries me to no end that they won’t grow up to be best friends, but I keep trying to remind them that there is nothing as special as family. When their tempers flare and their feelings get hurt, I try to bring them back to the core of what’s important: they love each other. They are connected forever. They need each other. 

Who knows if my attempts at raising good boys are working. All I know is that these boys I get to hang out with every day make me constantly proud. I see examples daily of their strength, their empathy, and their belief in family. I love raising brothers.