Navigating Our Kids Through Negative Behaviors
We all want our children to be amazing people at home and at school. However, they are human. They are going to push boundaries, test limits, and make mistakes. Our job is to guide them through their choices and help them see the consequences that come from all the actions. If you’ve ever been called by a principal, emailed by a teacher, or pulled aside by a daycare provider regarding negative behavior, you know being calm with your kiddo is easier said than done.
I have to check myself.
If I get a negative report about my child’s behavior, I lose my mind a little. Thoughts of How could he/she do this when it’s clearly disrespectful? I didn’t raise him/her to act in this way. How can he/she NOT see how this disrupts the learning environment for the rest of the class? If I’m lucky, I get the report a couple of hours before I pick up said child. That way, I’m able to process how I will handle any misbehaviors.
If I find out as I’m picking the child up, or if I am there for outright disrespectful behavior, I am not able to handle it as well. I have raised my voice, used a tone I’m not proud of, and sternly spoken to my child, and I don’t think that kind of reaction really helps him or her process. If I keep myself in check, and I am able to calmly help my child, everyone is better for it.
When I do this well, it looks like this.
- Tell me what happened at school today, please.
- How do you think you should have acted?
- By behaving the way you chose, how did that affect others around you negatively? Did anything positive come from it? Is this how you want to represent yourself?
- How are you going to behave going forward? or How can we make this better?
Admission to wrong-doing
It is incredibly important to me that my children own up to their mistakes. If they can take ownership of their own behavior, they are less likely to recreate the scene that got them into trouble. If I allow them to blame other people for their own actions, I’m setting them up for a really rough adulthood. Occasionally, I still get “But so and so made me do it.” or, “______ told me to, so it’s not my fault.”
During the blame game time, I talk to them about choices. In top parenting moments, I’ve been known to ask, “Can you control what _______ does?” It’s met with a “No.” “Can you control what you do?” After some negotiation, I usually get a “Yes” answer to that. I want my children to understand that they can’t help how they feel, but they can control how they respond. Words and actions are completely within their realm of control. **I have to remember that they are in mine as well. It’s hard when tensions are high, but we are all works in progress.
Rectifying and Learning
Just like it’s my job to navigate my children through the good parts of life, it is also my job to navigate them through the negative ones. Once we admit we’ve done something wrong and hammered out the details of the punishment (if one is needed), then we have to move on to rectify the situation. I have found that letters to the wronged individual (be it a teacher, daycare worker, or another child) can work. This way, my kid has to reflect and put in writing what he or she could have done differently. If my child is later wronged in a similar way, I try to use that event as an example, “See how this hurts your feelings. That’s how so and so felt when you said hurtful words to them.”
Like adults, our kids are just trying to figure this world out by trial and error. I am not a perfect parent. I react too strongly or raise my voice too often, but I try to reflect on my actions just like I ask my children to. If I keep myself in check and talk to my kids about consequences, I feel like I’m getting closer to helping them become the amazing adults they are destined to be.
How do you handle negative behaviors with your children? We all want to know!