Good Communication Starts with Listening

Communication is much more than talking. I believe the best way to be a good communicator is to be a good listener. Too often it seems that people associate strong communication skills with being talkative and carrying a conversation. However, listening is the ace in the hole when it comes to being an outstanding communicator. For me, it is also a trait that I am trying to master while I teach my little ones.

Listen, No REALLY Listen

Kids pretend to listen all of the time, and so do adults. I see my children looking up at me with open eyes and a thoughtful face, but really in their minds they are reliving a game of soccer or thinking ahead to what is for snack. I am just as guilty of making eye contact and giving nonchalant nods to my husband as he discusses beer brewing kits or the threatening bee epidemic with me, while I mentally make a grocery list. This is pretend listening and it is a horrible habit!

Pretend listening is a real problem that leads to frustration. Listening properly shows respect and it is something that I am trying to hit home in our household. My son’s preschool does a great job of teaching proper listening etiquette. They do a lot of circle time where three and four-year-olds must raise their hand, wait to be acknowledged, and sit quietly as another classmate speaks. I know circle time is not always sunshine and roses, but when I do get to view it first-hand, I am always impressed. The teachers give the designated talker their full attention and encourage classmates to do the same. Great discussions develop from little minds when they are taught to take the time to listen to each other.

Bad Listening Knows No Age Limit.

Communication was one of my minors in college, but I am just as guilty of being a bad listener as any preschooler or long-winded adult. Better listeners are made, not born. When it comes to general discussions with others, I try to always stay present in the conversation by asking follow-up questions and having the restraint and courtesy to actually wait for the answers. It may sound simple, but I know a lot of adults who struggle with this (myself included). And if it is difficult for grown-ups, you can bet that children find it a challenge.

Unbeknownst to them, the dinner table has been the best place for my family to practice better listening. We are a talky tribe, but my husband and I take conscious steps to let everyone be heard during mealtime. Open-ended questions lead to longer answers and more information, so I try to ask each kid something that cannot be answered by “no”, “yes”, or “I don’t know”. Sometimes for one kiddo or a parent to be heard, it means silencing others. There is a definite give and take where everyone at the table has to be a listener in order to contribute to the conversations.

Self-Reflection

I am fortunate that my job as a freelance writer involves interviewing people. This means I often tape record my interview sessions, so I am sure to get all of my information and quotes correct. There have been quite a few times where I have cringed and cussed myself out after an interview because I did a bad job listening. Sometimes I do not ask a good follow-up or else I interrupt what could have been an outstanding quote in order to share my own tidbit.

A lot of what I do as a writer comes from observing and listening. I have also found that this writing gig leads to a lot of self-reflecting, which allows me to consider my communication mistakes and not repeat them. Sure for the majority of my interviews I got all the adequate data, however poor listening and interruptions make writing a piece harder.

Listening Through the Noise

I worry about my kids and myself when it comes to good listening because our society has a lot of distractions. Technology is awesome, but it is also a hindrance. It seems like we are always on our cell phones, plus texting and online posting allows people to deliver information to others without having to showcase much in terms of listening skills or replies. Forbes published an article by an expert in persuasive communication that stated, “In our overcrowded, high-volume world, it is easy to forget that communication isn’t a one-way street. It’s not just about broadcasting our own opinions.”

As everything else in my life, listening well is a work in progress. Self-reflecting on conversations and taking time to give others the benefit of really hearing what is being said will lead to two great things: learning more and showing respect.  Both are important goals (for preschoolers and adults).